Behold, a book:

A power outage at a restaurant

A restaurant. A man and wife sit at dinner. The electrical output in the kitchen overloads the circuit and the lights shut off. The couple sit in darkness for a moment before speaking. Man: I wonder how much of a discount this will be? Woman: It depends if you flip…

In which moi disgusts Ewan McGregor

Moi stands at the door of a public bathroom and looks at the sidewalk. Ewan McGregor approaches. Ewan: Man, I need to pee! Moi: Stop. Ewan: What are you looking at, man? Moi: Stop, don’t go any further. Ewan: I need to pee! Moi: Look at the ground: there is a poo…

Oh the English

A bilingual child returns from the beach and talks to her father. Father: How was the beach? Daughter: It was amazing; I swimmed the whole time! Father: Swam, not swimmed. Daughter: And I only left the water once! Father: To pee? Daughter: No, to eat a cake! Father:…

The barber

A man with a gorgeous, wizardly beard enters a barber shop. He has tears in his eyes. Beard: Hi, sniff, I need a shave! Barber: I can see that, Gandalf. Beard: Yeah? I love the wizard look, but… Barber: I can trim the sides; you’ll have a really clean look, my man….

In which a homeless man speaks french

A quiet caravan park. A French couple sit at a table next to their caravan. A bottle of red wine stands open on the table between them. They drink. A homeless man approaches out of the nearby shrubbery. Homeless: vin glug glug glug moi? When the Frenchies don’t…

In which Rufus attempts to paint in the park

A park. Rufus stands at his easel to paint a picture; the canvas is blank. Inspiration will come soon, I’m sure. A dog approaches and poops. Rufus, mumbling to himself: I don’t know which color to select today: do I feel like painting something from my blue period, or…

The irony

A father and daughter sit on a blanket in the park. Daughter: Papa! PAPA! HEY, PAPA! Father: Yes, what? Daughter: I asked you a question. Father: Oh, really? That’s ironic. Daughter: Don’t change the subject: I asked you a question. Father: I didn’t hear you; what was…

The gym coach

A gym coach stands on a track and speaks to a group of girls; the girls sit at his feet in a semicircle. The coach speaks in a dreary monotone while mindlessly twirling a whistle in his hand. Coach: It is almost the weekend because today is Thursday and this weekend…

In which a tourist answers a phone

A crowded European terrace in which many tourists sit at dinner. Medieval church bells chime and doves flock about the rooftops as the sun sets in pink splendor. A mobile phone rings. Tourist: What? WHAT? YOU FOUND WHAT? MY UNDERWEAR? YOU FOUND MY UNDERWEAR? WHERE?…

In which Dermot asks Rufus a question

Dermot asks Rufus a question: Dermot: Rufus, do you remember the name of the girl who would sit in front of you in Introduction to Postmodern Existentialism? Rufus: Beatrix? Dermot: No, no, no; Beatrix was the goth who sat at the back near the door. Rufus: Candice. I…

In which Rufus and Dermot talk between bars

Dermot stands near Rufus’ jail cell lost in thought for a moment. Dermot: I can never remember the name of my office assistant! Rufus: Kevin? Dermot: Isn’t it Basil? Rufus: Huh, for sure it is one of those names with vowels and concordances around the vowels. Dermot:…

In which two Americans meet in the road

Two Americans meet in the street of a Portuguese town. 1. How are you today? 2. I’m exhausted. 1. Oh, really, what do you do? 2. I help American expats find houses here in Portugal, but I came here to get away from all that annoying cultural stuff. 1. I’m an American;…

I don’t smoke–like the above photo suggests–, but everything else is true.