Behold, a book:


In which Rufus finds his trousers inside the wrong caravan

The ocean is a capricious lover. Only the most stalwart of sailors can love her passionately and for life. Although Rufus thought himself stalwart, passionate, very much a great lover of women, and for his whole life, which would incline us all to believe him capable...

In which a tourist visits a Weiwei exhibition

A tourist approaches a group of photographs that depict Weiwei flipping off various famous buildings and landscapes. The tourist herself raises her own hand and flips off the photos of Weiwei flipping off famous buildings and landscapes. The tourist uploads the photo...

In which Rufus meets a gypsy in Portugal

Dermot ran an absent-minded hand in a small circle around her bellybutton. “The gypsy girl is a waste of your time, Rufus. You should come back to New York City with me.” Rufus raised his leg and rested his foot between the bars of the jail cell. He pointed at a...

To be or not to be awkward

Two guys sit at a beach café and discuss the word awkward. 1. The word awkward is difficult to define. 2. No it isn’t; it just means that expectations aren’t met. 1. I disagree; I think it is difficult to define. In English, one’s whole identity could be awkward; one...

Rufus buys creams

Rufus walks into the body-lotion shop. Rufus: Do you have activated-microplastic cream? Worker: Yes, we sell activated microplastic cream. What kind of creams would you like? Rufus: Oh, well, I don’t know. I want to cream everything. Worker: What specifically will you...

In which Rufus’ books are burned

Rufus' mother had returned from a few weeks away in Los Angeles and the detox had taken sundry effects. She had not decided any particular dramatic revenge upon her son until after she and her boyfriend entered the living room and found themselves standing on a sticky...

The stone door

Teresa and Irene walked up the stairs together and stood in front of a stone door. Hieroglyphics covered the door. Teresa: Where does this stone door lead? Irene: To your house. Teresa: No, it doesn’t. Irene: Yes, it does. Teresa: No, it doesn’t. Irene: Yes, it does....

The well part two

Teresa walked on stage and danced three of the dances; as she reached the far edge of the platform, during one of the more provocative gesticulations, the platform gave way below her and Teresa half fell and half slid off the platform and into the sinkhole that had...

The well

Teresa: I won’t do it! Uncle: It will be a couple minutes. Teresa: Wearing this outfit? In public? For even a second will destroy everything I’ve done over the past lifetime! Uncle: This doesn’t matter; when you are my age, you won’t remember today at all. Teresa: My...

In which a girl watches a football game

A father, mother, and daughter walk into a bar where the national Portuguese football team plays live on television. The family watches in silence for a while. Mother: We haven’t done this since Madrid. Father: That was a long time ago. Mother: No, we did this in...

Sauerkraut

One day, a hippie does what no man can do for him in the forest outside a city; nearby, a city-dwelling man and woman walk a dog. Man: What is that hippie doing in those bushes? Woman: Don’t look. Hippie, yelling: This forest is occupied! Man: Is he doing what no man...

Swallow

A man and a dog walk through a medieval village; tilia trees bloom in all the parks and their fragrance fills the village. Man: What’s this? Hello! The man and dog pause, bend down, and inspect a baby swallow on the pavement. Man: Hello! Swallow: Chirp. The man stands...

I don’t smoke–like the above photo suggests–, but everything else is true.