Behold, a book:
In which Rufus puts pen to paper for the gentle reader
Oh, god, how long has it been since I put pen to paper and recounted any of the amazing adventures into which my artwork has led me? Yes, some would say landed me – as in landing me in the shit – but I don’t see it that way. I rise above even my dead and bleeding…
Johnny pitches a movie idea to the philosopher (12)
Jail. The incarcerated philosopher and Johnny enjoy a bottle of wine in their jail cell. The philosopher sits on the bed and Johnny sits on the cement floor. Johnny finishes telling a story. Johnny: …that’s what she said. The philosopher laughs long and hard….
In which two old men have a fight
Midmorning. An old man stands outside of a building and eats an apple. A second old man hobbles up the road with a walking stick. Bill: Hey, smoking kills!Jim: This is an apple.Bill: Is it?Jim: Go get new glasses, bitch.Bill: Who are you calling bitch, punk. Bill…
A seventh power outage at a restaurant
Evening. A restaurant. Ask and Embla sit to eat. Ask: Did you see how much blood came out of that man’s face? Embla: He hit his head hard. Ask: He passed out; maybe from the heat. Maybe from something else. Embla: Hush! That’s dangerous to say in public. Ask: It’s…
In which the incarcerated philosopher dreams of Johnny Depp (incarcerated philosopher 11)
Johnny and the unvaccinated philosopher sit in their jail cell. Johnny on his jail cot and the philosopher on the floor. Philosopher: I had a dream about you. Johnny: Haha, that’s not something you want your cell mate to say. Philosopher: Ah, yes, now that you mention…
In which Rufus expresses a concept
Rufus sits sucking a pencil for a few moments before writing. Rufus: Technology has improved how teachers teach and learners learn concepts, but, like, I don’t know because it is like, you know… To express stuff is, what’s that word? Rufus snaps his finger twice….
A fifth power outage at a restaurant
A man sits at a restaurant table. A woman sits across from him. The power goes out. They sit in darkness. Man: I was walking to the garden today with my hoe on my shoulder. I was thinking about spinach and carrots when a group of cyclists cycled up the road. The road…
A sixth power outage at a restaurant
A man stands outside of a restaurant near a vacant table. After a moment, the waitress approaches. Waitress: Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to retake your seat inside; the cook has turned on the soup signal, so all customers are kindly asked to retake their seats…
In which Ewan again hides from Scarlett
Scarlett punched the brick wall repeatedly until she had made a sizable hole; she reached into the hole for a brick, turned, and knocked Moi across the head. The brick exploded like an asteroid hitting the Yucatan peninsula during the Mesozoic Era. Moi reached up a…
In which Moi reads Wodehouse
Sunset. A lake in the north country. Moi sits on a purple blanket at the edge of the water. An open fire warms a pot of coffee. Moi reads a few different PG Wodehouse novels back-to-back for hours on end, pauses, pours a coffee, and speaks an aside. Moi: I was always…
In which Rufus introduces his cousin
I had been in jail for at least twenty-four hours when my cousin Budcock arrived to talk; well, talk isn’t the word because I am nearly a famous artist on the literal cusp of oeuvres of artwork that will just blow the socks off of everyone—even people who listen to…
A fourth power outage at a restaurant
A fourth power outage at a restaurant. A man and wife sit in a restaurant in Europe. Man: Oh, thank god, we can fly to Iceland this summer without regard for covid restrictions; the old normal is back in Iceland. I vote we go there immediately and spread our money…