Behold, a book:
The brains of the family
A bedroom. The fuddy-duddy lays in bed with the blankets pulled up to his neck. His sister enters with a second blanket and tosses it over him. Fuddy-duddy: Stop! Sister: I thought you would be cold. Fuddy-duddy: How will my farts escape if I use another blanket?…
Sans leash
A man and an old dog walk through the park sans leash. The man pauses to look at a bird. The old dog pauses, too. Then, the old dog looks up at the man as if to say, “Shouldn’t you put the dog leash on me now? I don’t really trust myself in this park. I mean, it is…
This is how the cookie deconstructs
Dermot walks into an art gallery. He or she — I’m never sure what the plumbing is — stands in front of a painting of a large cookie. After a moment, Dermot says aloud: “This is how the cookie deconstructs.” Fin
Eggy Portuguese cakes
Dawn. A café in Portugal. A fat tourist stands at a cake vitrine and ponders which cake will pair well with an Earl Gray tea. A second customer stand behind the tourist in line. Tourist: Portuguese cakes are too eggy! All that egg is just disgusting! Second customer:…
An eighth power outage at a restaurant
Evening. A crowded restaurant. A man and woman sit at a table. The man stands. He hits a fork against his wine glass. Everyone in the restaurant turns to look at the man. Man: Clink, clink, clink. Can I have everyone’s attention? Yes? Thank you! I just want all of you…
A cautionary tale about tepid coffee
Morning. A kitchen. A man sits at a breakfast table. He picks up a coffee mug in both hands. He blows on the coffee. He sips. He spits the coffee back into the mug. Man: Tepid. The man carefully sets his mug on the table. He stands. He grabs the table, lifts, and…
Stone soup
Midday. A restaurant. A tourist enters. Waitress: Hi. Are you here for lunch?Tourist: Yes.Waitress: Would you like the plate of the day?Tourist: Yes.Waitress: And a soup?Tourist: What kind of soup?Waitress: Stone soup.Tourist: What kind of stone? The end.
Camouflage trousers
John walks down one side of the street. He wears camouflage trousers. A friend walks up the other side of the street. They wave at one another and continue. The friend stops suddenly. Friend: JOHN! WHERE ARE YOUR LEGS? John looks around confused. He looks down at his…
In which Rufus puts pen to paper for the gentle reader
Oh, god, how long has it been since I put pen to paper and recounted any of the amazing adventures into which my artwork has led me? Yes, some would say landed me – as in landing me in the shit – but I don’t see it that way. I rise above even my dead and bleeding…
Johnny pitches a movie idea to the philosopher (12)
Jail. The incarcerated philosopher and Johnny enjoy a bottle of wine in their jail cell. The philosopher sits on the bed and Johnny sits on the cement floor. Johnny finishes telling a story. Johnny: …that’s what she said. The philosopher laughs long and hard….
In which two old men have a fight
Midmorning. An old man stands outside of a building and eats an apple. A second old man hobbles up the road with a walking stick. Bill: Hey, smoking kills!Jim: This is an apple.Bill: Is it?Jim: Go get new glasses, bitch.Bill: Who are you calling bitch, punk. Bill…
A seventh power outage at a restaurant
Evening. A restaurant. Ask and Embla sit to eat. Ask: Did you see how much blood came out of that man’s face? Embla: He hit his head hard. Ask: He passed out; maybe from the heat. Maybe from something else. Embla: Hush! That’s dangerous to say in public. Ask: It’s…