Behold, a book:


Substack

Hi, I’m using a Substack for a while: jaredmink.substack.com

In which the fuddy-duddy writes about The Hobbit

The fuddy-duddy picks up a pen, considers a moment, and begins: “How many times have I read The Hobbit? I’ll have to ask Beatrix.” The fuddy-duddy rings the silver bell that sits at his elbow. He waits a moment. He leans forward and pokes the fire with a fire tool….

In which Johnny dreams about his ex wife

Flashback. Johnny’s kitchen. Johnny prepares sauerkraut with this ex-wife. The two stand at a table and chop cabbage. Johnny is naked but wearing a tasteful pink apron. His ex-wife is naked, too, and also wearing a pink apron. Soft elevator music plays in the…

In which Leo and Ewan fight over Moi

Moi sits at a table in a café. Ewan McGregor stands awkwardly nearby and chats with Moi. Leonardo DiCaprio approaches up the street and, seeing Moi and Ewan in the café, knocks on the café window. Ewan: Oh, god, don’t look up, Moi! Moi: Why? Ewan: Oh, no; he saw us!…

A second power outage at a restaurant

A restaurant. A man and woman sit at dinner. A cat sits on a chair nearby. Man: Do you remember the last time we were here? Woman: The power outage? Yeah. Man: Why did we return? Woman: I recall a heated discussion some moments ago—what time is it? Man: Seven thirty;…

In which Moi lets Ewan wear his hat

Moi sits at a table outside of a café; Ewan McGregor approaches. Ewan: Indiana Jones! Moi: Moi? Ewan: I think it is the hat; the whole ensemble, but mostly the hat. Moi: If you say so. Ewan: I don’t think I could wear one—a hat. Moi: Sure you could: you just put in on…

In which is a study of a master storyteller

In a stone house in the middle of Lisbon there lived a young girl. Not a nasty, dirty, wet stone house, filled with green and black mold, nor yet a dry, bare, modern stone house with nothing in it but glass and rubber light fixtures that jiggle when you touch them: it…

In which a troglodyte reads Jordan B Peterson

Dawn. A thousand years in the future. A knoll in an oak forest. Granite boulders loll about where an ancient cataclysm tossed them. A half naked troglodyte, piebald and weary, limps up the knoll and sees a text engraved on a stone. The troglodyte approaches, knocks…

Rueful negotiation

Rufus walks into a seaside restaurant and sits at the bar; his aunt’s boyfriend Lucky Strike walks over. Rufus: Hi, Lucky, man am I hungry! I’ve been making artwork all morning on the beach! Lucky: You’ve been making artwork? Rufus: Yeah, and I’m super hungry! Lucky:…

In which Rufus sleeps under Dermot’s desk

Dermot Dermot hung up the phone as gently as possible with a delicate push of his thumb. He even said, “No, no, thank YOU officer,” as if he appreciated the call from the FBI agent about the missing handgun. He leaned back in his limo seat and ran a shaking hand over…

In which the philosopher and Johnny share a bottle of wine

Philosopher: I miss your giggle; when you came here—the first couple of nights that you were here—you giggled all the time! Johnny: I can’t giggle anymore; I lost the little spark of je ne sais quoi which gave me my effeminate charm. I think it was when my ex-wife…

The well: in which Teresa and Irene walk home

Irene and Teresa walk home from school a few days after they both fell into a well. Teresa: Thanks for jumping into that well to save me. Irene: That’s okay; my dad asked me to watch over you. Teresa: Why? Irene: I can’t really tell you that, but I was the one in…

I don’t smoke–like the above photo suggests–, but everything else is true.