Ewan’s greatest fear

A hillside in a park; Moi and Ewan sit on a blanket. Moi: You’ve never told me one thing: what is it like to kiss Scarlett Johans— At the word “Scarlett,” Ewan leaps to his feet, kneels beside Moi, and clasps a hand to Moi’s mouth. Ewan: DO NOT SPEAK HER NAME! Moi...

In which the fuddy-duddy reads his first novel attempt

The fuddy-duddy sits ensconced in his study poking his fire occasionally. His mind turns to that first, and only, attempt he every made a writing a novel, the attempt which proved to him and the rest of the world the truth of the proverb: Those who are unable to write...

In which Ewan brings Moi biscotti

Too early on Saturday morning. The doorbell rings; the doorbell rings again; the doorbell rings a third time and finally Moi answers the door. Moi: Oh, Ewan, it’s you. Ewan: Surprise! Biscotti and espresso! Moi: Huh? Ewan: I have biscotti! Moi: Isn’t it a little...

In which Ewan asks Moi to leg wrestle

Moi sits at a café in a medieval village reading an archaic novel by someone with the audacity to possess—and use publicly—three or four enormously long names. Ewan McGregor approaches from street left. Ewan: Hey, Moi! Moi: Yes? Ewan: I’m so happy I found you; guess...

In which a man sits in the park and drinks a box of wine

A park bench. A man sits and drinks a box of wine and talks to himself. Kids play nearby in the grass. Man: I always thought I was better than other people, but I saw the error of my ways—early on, very early. I was like, ten-years-old; haha, man, I was precocious in...

A power outage at a restaurant

A restaurant. A man and wife sit at dinner. The electrical output in the kitchen overloads the circuit and the lights shut off. The couple sit in darkness for a moment before speaking. Man: I wonder how much of a discount this will be? Woman: It depends if you flip...