A hillside in a park; Moi and Ewan sit on a blanket.

Moi: You’ve never told me one thing: what is it like to kiss Scarlett Johans—

At the word “Scarlett,” Ewan leaps to his feet, kneels beside Moi, and clasps a hand to Moi’s mouth.


Moi mumbles something inaudible.

Ewan: DO NOT SPEAK HER NAME! Do you swear?

Moi nods his head in agreement; Ewan releases him and stands up.

Moi: Get off me; are you crazy?

Ewan: You must not speak her name!

Moi: Voldemort! Gosh, man! VOLDEMORT, okay? No one cares about the girl’s name!

Ewan: She does; oh, she does!

Ewan looks around wildly.

Ewan: She might be here now; there, there, in the bushes there, what is that? Is that her?

Moi: That’s a squirrel.

Ewan: Oh, thank god, that is just a squirrel!

Ewan sits.

Moi: You are insane, man.

A moment passes.

Ewan: You asked me what it was like. Kissing… that woman?

Moi: Yes, that was my question.

Ewan: I lived. I lived, man. That’s what it was like; and I’m just happy to be here with you today, with all my arms and legs and everything sitting here on this hillside on this blanket, you know, alive.

Moi: I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to scare you.

Ewan: Just don’t ever ask me about her again, okay?

Moi: Well, come on, Ewan; I mean, she might come up.

Ewan: Promise me! Promise me that you will never go to see any of her future movies, or talk to me about her, or think about her in any way—even Platonically—ever again, or, or—I won’t be your friend any more!

Moi: Can I search for images of her online with my browser in anonymous mode?

Ewan: No!

Moi: But there is no way you would know if I did, Ewan.

Ewan: Promise me! I won’t be able to sleep at night unless you promise. I know what I’m like at night when it is dark and I’m all alone and, Moi, if you are out there somewhere at night thinking about her, looking at images of her online… I don’t know what I’ll do!

Ewan starts to cry.

Moi: Oh, man, Ewan, damn it. Come here little buddy!

Ewan curls up next to Moi.

Moi: Hush, shh, she isn’t going to get you; you are safe here, man. I won’t let her hurt you again.

Ewan: Will you promise?

Moi: Okay, fine. Yes, I promise.

Ewan: T-t-thank you!

The end.