A café. Dawn. Moi sits and reads a play by William Shakespeare. Ewan enters the café and runs to Moi’s table.
Ewan: Hide me, quick!
Moi: What’s going on!
Ewan: No time! Hide me!
Moi: Under the table!
Ewan crawls under the table. Immediately afterward Scarlett Johansson enters the café, pauses, looks around, and approaches.
Scarlett: Where is he?
Moi: Who?
Scarlett: The lizard Ewan.
Moi: I don’t know; the last I heard he moved back to Scotland to wear kilts, drink stout beer, and walk on the moors with his clan.
Scarlett: Haha, he doesn’t have a clan!
Moi: Yes, he does.
Scarlett: I saw him run in here a moment ago. If you are lying, I’ll—I’ll—I’ll do thing to your male genitalia and you won’t like it, okay? If I hear you’ve talked about me today, or I see a recording of you talking to me, or if you use my name or image against my will, or post images of me online, or do anything near me, about me, or around me, I’ll do things—outrageous things—to your male genitalia, and don’t flatter yourself that you’ll like it, mister, or that I’ll make an exception because you are cute because I have a cadre of lawyers and I’m vicious! Vicious!
Moi: What is your name?
Scarlett: Don’t play dumb with me!
Moi: No, really, what is your name?
Scarlett: Scarlett Johansson.
Moi: Does Ewan know you by a nickname? Like Letty or Scar?
Scarlett: Haha, no, he knows me by the name Scarlett Effing Johansson, bitch.
Moi: Oh.
Scarlett: I don’t have a nickname, and if I hear that you’ve given me a nickname without my permission or made a locker room joke about me, my breasts, or any of my many wonderful voluptuous curves, I’ll do things to you that you won’t like.
Moi: Oh, yes, ma’am.
Scarlett: Don’t “Oh, yes, ma’am” me.
Moi: You aren’t very approachable, are you?
Scarlett: How dare you try to use rhetorical questions on me!
Moi: Well, gosh, now I see why Ewan flees before you.
Scarlett: So he WAS here! Where is he!
Scarlett begins storming about the café; she overturns two tables, jumps behind the coffee bar, and kicks open the door to the kitchen.
Scarlett: EWAN! EWAN!
Moi: Quick, Ewan; she is in the kitchen!
Ewan scampers out from under the table, hugs Moi thankfully, and flees the café. Scarlett busies herself in the kitchen breaking pans and dishes against a wall; shouts and grunts of rage echo about the café; after a moment, Scarlett returns to Moi’s table.
Scarlett: There is only one other place he could be–
Scarlett grabs Moi’s table and tosses it against a distant wall; she looks at the floor near Moi’s feet.
Moi: I don’t see any Scottish lizards.
Scarlett: What is that pool of liquid?
Moi: I don’t know; I don’t recall there being any pool of liquid when I sat down earlier today.
Scarlett bends and sniffs.
Scarlett: This is Ewan’s pee; I know the smell. He WAS here, wasn’t he? Don’t answer that; I know the answer.
Moi: Was that a rhetorical question?
Scarlett grabs Moi by the throat and lifts him out of his chair so that his feet dangle off the floor.
Scarlett: I have my eye on you, mister.
Moi: Just one of them?
Scarlett: I have my eyes on you, both of them.
Moi: Is your middle name really Effing as you said?
Scarlett: Ingrid. My middle name is Ingrid.
Moi: Oh, that explains it.
Scarlett makes a superhuman effort to control herself; she returns Moi to his chair. She steps away clenching her first. She takes a deep breath.
Scarlett: No, I won’t condescend to break the skin of my knuckles across your numb skull.
Moi: You must have an incredibly soft underbelly to portray yourself–
Scarlett grabs Moi, lifts him above her head, and tosses him against the wall.
Scarlett: I’ll see you in court soon, I’m sure.
Scarlett turns and, with earthquakes and pestilence following in her wake, exits the café.
The end.