A school; Moi approaches as a small human cries wildly near the door.
Moi: Hey, little tiger, why are you crying?
Small human: My m-mommy is so selfish!
Moi: It isn’t any of my business, but I have some helpful observations, which I would love to observe upon you.
Small human: T-tell me; I’m w-wise beyond my y-years.
Moi: If I was your mommy, I would become a lesbian, too.
Small human: R-really? You w-would?
Moi: Oh, yeah.
Small human: But w-why?
Moi: I’ve met your daddy.
Small human: M-my daddy?
Small human: What should I do?
Moi: Well, to become a healthy adult, you need to be angry at your mommy and daddy for your whole life; most of the interesting conversations you’ll have in life are because of how mean your mommy and daddy were. You’ll be talking about these things for thirty or forty years if you are lucky.
Small human: So, I’m almost an adult?
Moi: Yes, you’ll just need a bank account and some kind of addition; alcohol and tobacco are the most socially acceptable.
Small human: I guess it will have to be smoking; I don’t like the smell of beer.
Moi: No one drinks beer for the smell.
Small human: Why do they drink it?
Moi: Do people smoke for the smoke?
Small human: Gosh, mister, you are really smart.
Moi: STOP! Don’t do that; don’t start admiring other humans; that’s another item for your list: cynicism.
Small human: So, I need to stay angry at my mommy, get a bank account–
Moi: A credit card would be better.
Small human: Anger, credit card, addiction to beer, and cycle.
Moi: Haha, no, no, don’t cycle. I said cynicism. Sarcasm. Try to harden your heart towards other people and belittle everything around you. Treat everything as dispensable, replaceable, and cheap: People, ideas, emotions, experiences, everything. Just cheap rubbish that you can kick into the gutter.
Small human: Oh, I see. So, I should say, like “Yeah, right.” Or, “How about you try it first” to everyone’s suggestions.
Moi: Yes, that’s it.
Small human: Wow, this has really helped me, thank you—I mean, um…
Moi: Go on, you can do it.
Small human: You are trash!
The small human kicks Moi in the shin.
Moi: Ow, you little devil! Wow, you are a quick learn.