Johnny and the unvaccinated philosopher sit in their jail cell. Johnny on his jail cot and the philosopher on the floor.

Philosopher: I had a dream about you.

Johnny: Haha, that’s not something you want your cell mate to say.

Philosopher: Ah, yes, now that you mention it; I can see what you mean.

The two sit in silence for a moment.

Johnny: Was I naked? In the dream, was I naked?

Philosopher: Oh, no, nothing like that.

Johnny: Oh, that’s good, I guess. What was the dream about?

Philosopher: We were stealing a gem: an emerald.

Johnny: Stealing? You, a philosopher? Was that ethical?

Philosopher: We were stealing back the emerald.

Johnny: Oh, well, in that case.

Philosopher: We approached our enemy’s office and you distracted the receptionist with your rapier wit while I entered the office proper and searched for the gem.

Johnny: And you found it?

Philosopher: No, I returned to the waiting room and there you were hypnotizing the receptionist. You had your pocket watch swinging from a chain in front of the boy’s face and he was blank of face and drooling a little.

Johnny: The receptionist wasn’t a buxom female…?

Philosopher: Don’t worry.

Johnny: What did I do next?

Philosopher: You said, “Why were the apple and the orange all alone?” And the young man repeated like a somnambulist, “Why were the apple and the orange all alone?” And then you said, “Because the banana split.” And he said, again like a sleep walker, “Because the banana split.”

Johnny: Okay.

Philosopher: Wait for it, Johnny. The next part is great.

Johnny: Okay.

Philosopher: Then you laughed one of your awkward giggles, and HE repeated you and laughed one of your awkward giggles, too!

They both laugh aloud.

Philosopher: I woke up I was laughing so much.

Johnny: “Because the banana split. Haha.”

Philosopher: And that isn’t all, Johnny. I went back to sleep and I dreamed more of the dream. We had a confrontation with the thief concerning the emerald and the receptionist was helping the thief but you incapacitated the receptionist by saying apple, orange, banana, and finally banana split. The receptionist burst into laughter at each of these words and refused to function properly or do what the boss-thief desired.

Johnny: I would just say “apple” and the receptionist would begin laughing an awkward giggle laugh?

Philosopher: No, the receptionist’s laugh was his own real laugh, but he didn’t understand why he was laughing and would look around and see that no one else was laughing and so try to control himself — the poor boy. You would work the words into the sentence casually and he would start laughing for no reason. You said, “Wow, this emerald is as big as an apple.” And the boy bursts into wild laughter.

Johnny: This is one of the better stories I’ve heard in a while.

Philosopher: Yes, I thought it would work well as a device in one of your movies.

Johnny: The old hypnotize the enemy and tell them a debilitating joke routine?

Philosopher: I don’t think it is a routine; I think it is completely original. Usually the subconscious is full of dark sexuality — thanks to Freud — so your whimsical use of the thing was refreshingly pleasant and will be refreshingly pleasant for a lot of people who, secretly, don’t have dark sexual fantasies lurking in their heart of hearts.

Johnny: Why haven’t I heard about these people with secret whimsy in their bosoms?

Philosopher: Too embarrassed, so they keep it secret.

Johnny: They want to giggle about silly things, but feel that real adults should have deep, dark sexual problems?

Philosopher: Yes, exactly.

Johnny: I think you are on to a good idea here.

Philosopher: I’m a philosopher!

Johnny: As you continually remind me.

The end.