Behold, a book:

Ewan’s greatest fear

A hillside in a park; Moi and Ewan sit on a blanket. Moi: You’ve never told me one thing: what is it like to kiss Scarlett Johans— At the word “Scarlett,” Ewan leaps to his feet, kneels beside Moi, and clasps a hand to Moi’s mouth. Ewan: DO NOT SPEAK HER NAME! Moi…

In which the fuddy-duddy reads his first novel attempt

The fuddy-duddy sits ensconced in his study poking his fire occasionally. His mind turns to that first, and only, attempt he every made a writing a novel, the attempt which proved to him and the rest of the world the truth of the proverb: Those who are unable to write…

In which Ewan brings Moi biscotti

Too early on Saturday morning. The doorbell rings; the doorbell rings again; the doorbell rings a third time and finally Moi answers the door. Moi: Oh, Ewan, it’s you. Ewan: Surprise! Biscotti and espresso! Moi: Huh? Ewan: I have biscotti! Moi: Isn’t it a little…

In which a philosopher lectures his cell mate

A philosopher sits in a jail cell and pontificates at his cell mate. Philosopher: The concept of herd immunity is ridiculous and reveals the weakness in our public health. I mean, there is no such thing as herd immunity; there is individual immunity, yes, and, by…

In which Ewan asks Moi to leg wrestle

Moi sits at a café in a medieval village reading an archaic novel by someone with the audacity to possess—and use publicly—three or four enormously long names. Ewan McGregor approaches from street left. Ewan: Hey, Moi! Moi: Yes? Ewan: I’m so happy I found you; guess…

In which a fuddy-duddy writes about the scarlet pimpernel

A small study. The walls are covered in antique books and a happy fire burns in the hearth. An armchair sits in the middle of the room where a fuddy-duddy sits reading a novel by Baroness Emmuska Orczy about the adventures of the dashing and imitable Scarlet…

In which a man sits in the park and drinks a box of wine

A park bench. A man sits and drinks a box of wine and talks to himself. Kids play nearby in the grass. Man: I always thought I was better than other people, but I saw the error of my ways—early on, very early. I was like, ten-years-old; haha, man, I was precocious in…

A power outage at a restaurant

A restaurant. A man and wife sit at dinner. The electrical output in the kitchen overloads the circuit and the lights shut off. The couple sit in darkness for a moment before speaking. Man: I wonder how much of a discount this will be? Woman: It depends if you flip…

In which moi disgusts Ewan McGregor

Moi stands at the door of a public bathroom and looks at the sidewalk. Ewan McGregor approaches. Ewan: Man, I need to pee! Moi: Stop. Ewan: What are you looking at, man? Moi: Stop, don’t go any further. Ewan: I need to pee! Moi: Look at the ground: there is a poo…

Oh the English

A bilingual child returns from the beach and talks to her father. Father: How was the beach? Daughter: It was amazing; I swimmed the whole time! Father: Swam, not swimmed. Daughter: And I only left the water once! Father: To pee? Daughter: No, to eat a cake! Father:…

The barber

A man with a gorgeous, wizardly beard enters a barber shop. He has tears in his eyes. Beard: Hi, sniff, I need a shave! Barber: I can see that, Gandalf. Beard: Yeah? I love the wizard look, but… Barber: I can trim the sides; you’ll have a really clean look, my man….

In which a homeless man speaks french

A quiet caravan park. A French couple sit at a table next to their caravan. A bottle of red wine stands open on the table between them. They drink. A homeless man approaches out of the nearby shrubbery. Homeless: vin glug glug glug moi? When the Frenchies don’t…

I don’t smoke–like the above photo suggests–, but everything else is true.