Rufus walks into the body-lotion shop.

Rufus: Do you have activated-microplastic cream?

Worker: Yes, we sell activated microplastic cream. What kind of creams would you like?

Rufus: Oh, well, I don’t know. I want to cream everything.

Worker: What specifically will you cream?

Rufus: Which parts of my body? My face, neck, chest, arms, hands, stomach, artwork, legs, and feet.

Worker: We have creams for all those things individually, or a special cream, which I’m pleased to offer you at a ten-percent discount today for a multi-purpose, triple action, youthfulness enhancing, flavor-trapping lotion. This cream has nano-activated microplastic specially designed to enhance youthfulness and trap flavors inside your skin, so whatever you lotion, you can be sure that it is youthful and smelling fresh.

Rufus: Wow, that sounds really great; I love enhanced youthfulness and who doesn’t want trapped flavors?

Worker: Exactly.

Rufus: But, what kind of flavors does this cream trap? All the flavors? Or just the good ones?

Worker: Define good?

Rufus: poo.

Worker: Isn’t that a bad one?

Rufus: Oh, poo is bad. The worst! Will the nano-activated microplastic trap the poo smell, or just the smell of, say, the joy of life.

Worker: Define joy of life?

Rufus: I don’t know. Sometimes people smell great and you fall in love with them immediately; other times they don’t smell great so you don’t fall in love with them. I want all the girls to fall in love with me.

Worker: Yes, these activated microplastics will trap all your natural chemicals from day to day and, soon, after a week, for example, your sexy smell will be seven times as strong.

Rufus: Seven-times stronger? Oh, god, I need this cream!

Worker: And I can offer you a ten-percent discount, too!

Rufus: And, each day I don’t bathe, my sexy smell will waft out in a larger radius and seduce more and more people?

Worker: Yes, definitely. A large, every-growing radius.

Rufus: How large will my wafting radius be?

Worker: I read an article yesterday, actually, which took into account air moister, wind, and temperature and gave some really impressive figures.

Rufus: What were the figures? How far away will all the women be when they smell me and fall in love?

Worker: A meter per day.

Rufus: Can you tell me in feet? I don’t know meters.

Worker: A meter is three feet.

Rufus: I’m an artist, so I don’t do any math; math is an anathema of objective reality. Ana-math-ema.

Worker: The cream comes in different colors. Which color would you like? You can even mix them together to make your own color.

Rufus picks up the cream bottle and looks at it for a while.

Rufus: And you are sure the activated microplastics won’t enhance a poo smell? Just the sexy, good smells?

Worker: Oh, for sure, just the good ones.

Rufus: I’ll buy one bottle. Two. I’ll by these two colors. Oh, but I love this color as well; I’ll buy these three. I’ve been going through a blue period and hope to transition it into flaming pink soon. I think this will work for me to start with blue but quickly transition into a flaming pink.

Worker: Wow, there will be some lucky girls smelling you tonight with all these activated microplastics.

Rufus: No, no. Only my lady Gazelle.

Worker: Well, she is very lucky.

Rufus: She lives in Brazil; she’s a supermodel of course. How could I love anyone else? Do you think…?

Worker: Yes?

Rufus: If I didn’t bathe for a year, let’s say, and put the lotion on every day for that whole year, do you think that my sexy chemicals would waft all the way to Brazil and seduce her?

Worker: Yes, that’s what I was just reading: these activated microplastics travel on the air blown by the wind. They fall as rain, too, so as long as Brazil is down wind of you, you’ll be sending out strong seductive smells all the way to Brazil.

Rufus: This is exactly what I needed! I am so happy that I came in here today and asked about these activated microplastics.

Rufus opens a jar of cream and smears the cream across his face.

Worker: The activated microplastics burn if they are in your eyes, so be careful.


The end.