In which Ewan again hides from Scarlett

Scarlett punched the brick wall repeatedly until she had made a sizable hole; she reached into the hole for a brick, turned, and knocked Moi across the head. The brick exploded like an asteroid hitting the Yucatan peninsula during the Mesozoic Era. Moi reached up a casual hand and dusted his shoulder. Moi: My, my, …

In which Moi reads Wodehouse

Sunset. A lake in the north country. Moi sits on a purple blanket at the edge of the water. An open fire warms a pot of coffee. Moi reads a few different PG Wodehouse novels back-to-back for hours on end, pauses, pours a coffee, and speaks an aside. Moi: I was always confused how Wodehouse …

In which Moi speaks an aside to the audience while waiting in line at a grocery store

A grocery store. Moi waits in line near a showcase of books. He reads the titles aside to the audience: Moi, aside: Oh, these books look wonderful! Wow! Here we have a book entitled “Adolescents: how to diminish your teenager’s resentment of you as much as possible.” I love the mixture of How To and …

In which Moi meets Scarlett for the first time

A café. Dawn. Moi sits and reads a play by William Shakespeare. Ewan enters the café and runs to Moi’s table. Ewan: Hide me, quick! Moi: What’s going on! Ewan: No time! Hide me! Moi: Under the table! Ewan crawls under the table. Immediately afterward Scarlett Johansson enters the café, pauses, looks around, and approaches. …

In which Ewan asks Moi about ideal dinner guests

Ewan: Who would your ideal dinner guests me, Moi?Moi: Hm, that’s an interesting question, Ewan. I guess, these three: Moses Shakespeare JRR Tolkien Ewan: That’s an interesting mixture.Moi: I suppose they would just sit there looking at one another.Ewan: Haha, I guess so.Moi: I’d say, Well, this is fun; just being here with you guys …

In which Moi apologizes to Ewan for yelling about yogurt

Ewan’s front door. Moi rings the bell. After a moment, Ewan opens the door. He wears an apron. Ewan: Moi! Moi: Hi, Ewan. I wanted to come by your house today and apologize for yelling at you about the yogurt. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I was reading the news a lot and, well, …

In which Moi reads the back label of a yogurt tub

The dairy aisle of a supermarket. Moi stands silently reading the back label of a yogurt tub. After a moment, he silently reads the back of a second yogurt tub. Ewan McGregor quietly approaches and whispers: Ewan: Um, excuse me, Moi, I can’t help but notice that you are reading the back of that yogurt …

In which Leo serenades Moi

Night. The front lawn of Moi’s house. A shadowy figure stands under Moi’s bedroom window. The shadowy figure holds a guitar in one hand and tosses pebbles at the glass with the other. After a few sharp clicks of the pebbles against the glass, Moi opens his bedroom window. Moi: Ewan, is that you again? …

In which Leo and Ewan fight over Moi

Moi sits at a table in a café. Ewan McGregor stands awkwardly nearby and chats with Moi. Leonardo DiCaprio approaches up the street and, seeing Moi and Ewan in the café, knocks on the café window. Ewan: Oh, god, don’t look up, Moi! Moi: Why? Ewan: Oh, no; he saw us! Leo waves and knocks …

In which Moi lets Ewan wear his hat

Moi sits at a table outside of a café; Ewan McGregor approaches. Ewan: Indiana Jones! Moi: Moi? Ewan: I think it is the hat; the whole ensemble, but mostly the hat. Moi: If you say so. Ewan: I don’t think I could wear one—a hat. Moi: Sure you could: you just put in on your …

In which Moi offers helpful observations to a small human

A school; Moi approaches as a small human cries wildly near the door. Moi: Hey, little tiger, why are you crying? Small human: My m-mommy is so selfish! Moi: It isn’t any of my business, but I have some helpful observations, which I would love to observe upon you. Small human: T-tell me; I’m w-wise …

In which Ewan brings Moi biscotti

Too early on Saturday morning. The doorbell rings; the doorbell rings again; the doorbell rings a third time and finally Moi answers the door. Moi: Oh, Ewan, it’s you. Ewan: Surprise! Biscotti and espresso! Moi: Huh? Ewan: I have biscotti! Moi: Isn’t it a little early? Ewan: Oh, my god, wait: Did I do it …

In which Ewan asks Moi to leg wrestle

Moi sits at a café in a medieval village reading an archaic novel by someone with the audacity to possess—and use publicly—three or four enormously long names. Ewan McGregor approaches from street left. Ewan: Hey, Moi! Moi: Yes? Ewan: I’m so happy I found you; guess what? Moi: Your excitement is contagious: what is it? …

In which moi disgusts Ewan McGregor

Moi stands at the door of a public bathroom and looks at the sidewalk. Ewan McGregor approaches. Ewan: Man, I need to pee! Moi: Stop. Ewan: What are you looking at, man? Moi: Stop, don’t go any further. Ewan: I need to pee! Moi: Look at the ground: there is a poo there and some …

In which Ewan McGregor visits moi in a dream

Ewan McGregor approaches with a smile and gives Moi a big hug. Ewan: It is SO good to see you again! How have you been? Moi: Oh, you know… We stayed in some houses for a year during quarantines, but we are living in our van again. Traveling around like old times until we are …