Behold, a book:


 

The brains of the family

A bedroom. The fuddy-duddy lays in bed with the blankets pulled up to his neck. His sister enters with a second blanket and tosses it over him. Fuddy-duddy: Stop! Sister: I thought you would be cold. Fuddy-duddy: How will my farts escape if I use another blanket?…

Sans leash

A man and an old dog walk through the park sans leash. The man pauses to look at a bird. The old dog pauses, too. Then, the old dog looks up at the man as if to say, “Shouldn’t you put the dog leash on me now? I don’t really trust myself in this park. I mean, it is…

This is how the cookie deconstructs

Dermot walks into an art gallery. He or she — I’m never sure what the plumbing is — stands in front of a painting of a large cookie. After a moment, Dermot says aloud: “This is how the cookie deconstructs.” Fin

Eggy Portuguese cakes

Dawn. A café in Portugal. A fat tourist stands at a cake vitrine and ponders which cake will pair well with an Earl Gray tea. A second customer stand behind the tourist in line. Tourist: Portuguese cakes are too eggy! All that egg is just disgusting! Second customer:…

An eighth power outage at a restaurant

Evening. A crowded restaurant. A man and woman sit at a table. The man stands. He hits a fork against his wine glass. Everyone in the restaurant turns to look at the man. Man: Clink, clink, clink. Can I have everyone’s attention? Yes? Thank you! I just want all of you…

A cautionary tale about tepid coffee

Morning. A kitchen. A man sits at a breakfast table. He picks up a coffee mug in both hands. He blows on the coffee. He sips. He spits the coffee back into the mug. Man: Tepid. The man carefully sets his mug on the table. He stands. He grabs the table, lifts, and…

Stone soup

Midday. A restaurant. A tourist enters. Waitress: Hi. Are you here for lunch?Tourist: Yes.Waitress: Would you like the plate of the day?Tourist: Yes.Waitress: And a soup?Tourist: What kind of soup?Waitress: Stone soup.Tourist: What kind of stone? The end.

Camouflage trousers

John walks down one side of the street. He wears camouflage trousers. A friend walks up the other side of the street. They wave at one another and continue. The friend stops suddenly. Friend: JOHN! WHERE ARE YOUR LEGS? John looks around confused. He looks down at his…

In which two old men have a fight

Midmorning. An old man stands outside of a building and eats an apple. A second old man hobbles up the road with a walking stick. Bill: Hey, smoking kills!Jim: This is an apple.Bill: Is it?Jim: Go get new glasses, bitch.Bill: Who are you calling bitch, punk. Bill…

A seventh power outage at a restaurant

Evening. A restaurant. Ask and Embla sit to eat. Ask: Did you see how much blood came out of that man’s face? Embla: He hit his head hard. Ask: He passed out; maybe from the heat. Maybe from something else. Embla: Hush! That’s dangerous to say in public. Ask: It’s…