Too early on Saturday morning. The doorbell rings; the doorbell rings again; the doorbell rings a third time and finally Moi answers the door. Moi: Oh, Ewan, it’s you. Ewan: Surprise! Biscotti and espresso! Moi: Huh? Ewan: I have biscotti! Moi: Isn’t it a little early? Ewan: Oh, my god, wait: Did I do it …
Monthly Archives: September 2021
In which a philosopher lectures his cell mate (incarcerated philosopher 4)
A philosopher sits in a jail cell and pontificates at his cell mate. Philosopher: The concept of herd immunity is ridiculous and reveals the weakness in our public health. I mean, there is no such thing as herd immunity; there is individual immunity, yes, and, by extension, groups are immune, but it is the individual’s …
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In which Ewan asks Moi to leg wrestle
Moi sits at a café in a medieval village reading an archaic novel by someone with the audacity to possess—and use publicly—three or four enormously long names. Ewan McGregor approaches from street left. Ewan: Hey, Moi! Moi: Yes? Ewan: I’m so happy I found you; guess what? Moi: Your excitement is contagious: what is it? …
In which a fuddy-duddy writes about the scarlet pimpernel
A small study. The walls are covered in antique books and a happy fire burns in the hearth. An armchair sits in the middle of the room where a fuddy-duddy sits reading a novel by Baroness Emmuska Orczy about the adventures of the dashing and imitable Scarlet Pimpernel. The F.D. puts down his book, picks …
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In which a man sits in the park and drinks a box of wine (incarcerated philosopher 3)
A park bench. A man sits and drinks a box of wine and talks to himself. Kids play nearby in the grass. Man: I always thought I was better than other people, but I saw the error of my ways—early on, very early. I was like, ten-years-old; haha, man, I was precocious in those days. …
A power outage at a restaurant
A restaurant. A man and wife sit at dinner. The electrical output in the kitchen overloads the circuit and the lights shut off. The couple sit in darkness for a moment before speaking. Man: I wonder how much of a discount this will be? Woman: It depends if you flip the breaker for them. Man: …
In which moi disgusts Ewan McGregor
Moi stands at the door of a public bathroom and looks at the sidewalk. Ewan McGregor approaches. Ewan: Man, I need to pee! Moi: Stop. Ewan: What are you looking at, man? Moi: Stop, don’t go any further. Ewan: I need to pee! Moi: Look at the ground: there is a poo there and some …
Oh the English
A bilingual child returns from the beach and talks to her father. Father: How was the beach? Daughter: It was amazing; I swimmed the whole time! Father: Swam, not swimmed. Daughter: And I only left the water once! Father: To pee? Daughter: No, to eat a cake! Father: What cake did you eat? Daughter: I …
The barber
A man with a gorgeous, wizardly beard enters a barber shop. He has tears in his eyes. Beard: Hi, sniff, I need a shave! Barber: I can see that, Gandalf. Beard: Yeah? I love the wizard look, but… Barber: I can trim the sides; you’ll have a really clean look, my man. Come sit in …
In which a homeless man speaks french
A quiet caravan park. A French couple sit at a table next to their caravan. A bottle of red wine stands open on the table between them. They drink. A homeless man approaches out of the nearby shrubbery. Homeless: vin glug glug glug moi? When the Frenchies don’t respond, the homeless man, who obviously doesn’t …
In which Rufus attempts to paint in the park
A park. Rufus stands at his easel to paint a picture; the canvas is blank. Inspiration will come soon, I’m sure. A dog approaches and poops. Rufus, mumbling to himself: I don’t know which color to select today: do I feel like painting something from my blue period, or do I feel like painting something …
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The irony
A father and daughter sit on a blanket in the park. Daughter: Papa! PAPA! HEY, PAPA! Father: Yes, what? Daughter: I asked you a question. Father: Oh, really? That’s ironic. Daughter: Don’t change the subject: I asked you a question. Father: I didn’t hear you; what was the question? Daughter: How could you not hear …
The gym coach
A gym coach stands on a track and speaks to a group of girls; the girls sit at his feet in a semicircle. The coach speaks in a dreary monotone while mindlessly twirling a whistle in his hand. Coach: It is almost the weekend because today is Thursday and this weekend we will be going …
In which a tourist answers a phone
A crowded European terrace in which many tourists sit at dinner. Medieval church bells chime and doves flock about the rooftops as the sun sets in pink splendor. A mobile phone rings. Tourist: What? WHAT? YOU FOUND WHAT? MY UNDERWEAR? YOU FOUND MY UNDERWEAR? WHERE? WHERE? WHERE DID YOU FIND IT? Oh, by the outdoor …