Silvia sits at a mirror and combs straw out of her hair. Silvia: I don’t speak much the language of fogs and frogs, that French language: the language of the mayonnaise eaters. Or do they produce the mayonnaise? Perhaps both: production and eating. I know they produce mayonnaise. Jacques produces mayonnaise. His mayonnaise is quite …
Monthly Archives: December 2021
In which Ewan asks Moi about ideal dinner guests
Ewan: Who would your ideal dinner guests me, Moi?Moi: Hm, that’s an interesting question, Ewan. I guess, these three: Moses Shakespeare JRR Tolkien Ewan: That’s an interesting mixture.Moi: I suppose they would just sit there looking at one another.Ewan: Haha, I guess so.Moi: I’d say, Well, this is fun; just being here with you guys …
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A conversation that de-evolves
What is Kate’s father’s name?Kate? I thought Kate had two moms.No; Kate has a mom and a dad; the dad is one of the teachers at your daughter’s school.Oh, I was thinking of, um; hey, what time is it?It is almost six. I can’t remember the teacher’s name: Kate’s father.Which one is Kate?She has the …
In which two hippies wrestle in the dirt
Two hippies crash through a bar window and wrestle in the dirt street; the local sheriff awakes from a cat nap, approaches, draws his pistol, and shoots a warning shot into the air. The two hippies pause. Sheriff: What’s the problem, boys? Hippie: He said compost is the same as fermentation! Other hippie: They’re the …
In which a clown sits on a log in a forest
A forest. A clown sits on a log. She looks around and sees that she is indeed alone in the forest, so she begins to pick her nose. The end.
In which a clown sits by the side of a road
A road at dawn. A clown sits by the side of the road. At first the clown is happy, but, after some hours, the clown becomes sad. The end.
In which a father and daughter discuss pizza
A father helps his daughter bathe, blow dry her hair, dress, re-dress with even better colors, and finally spritz perfume. The girl stands at the door of the house mildly angry. Girl: You didn’t button my jacket, or anything!Father: I disagree.Girl: It is true: look!Father: I would agree if you said that I did everything …
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In which Moi apologizes to Ewan for yelling about yogurt
Ewan’s front door. Moi rings the bell. After a moment, Ewan opens the door. He wears an apron. Ewan: Moi! Moi: Hi, Ewan. I wanted to come by your house today and apologize for yelling at you about the yogurt. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I was reading the news a lot and, well, …
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In which two clowns meet in an oak forest
An oak forest. Two clowns meet on a fern-bordered path. One holds a chocolate cake; the other holds a guitar. They smile. They gesture exchange. They exchange the guitar for the chocolate cake. They sit. One clown plays the guitar; the other eats cake. After a moment, the guitar’s D string breaks; the clown holds …
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In which the fuddy duddy asks about late late breakfast
The fuddy-duddy rings his silver bell and waits; after a few moments, his sister comes to the doorway and looks at him with dead eyes. FD: Oh, I’m sorry: I see you’ve been watching the news. Sister: Yes, as a matter of fact, I was; how can you tell? FD: Just years of caring deeply …
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In which we introduce the unvaccinated Jew
An unvaccinated Jew raises his hand during a press conference. President: Um, yes, the unvaccinated Jew there in the back with the silly hat? Jew: So, these lockdowns for the unvaccinated Jews like me won’t snowball into a negative social stigma? Resulting in a ghetto-starvation situation? And then a concentration camp like, say, in twenty …
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A third power outage at a restaurant
A restaurant. A man and woman sit at dinner. A bluejay perches on a chair nearby. Man: I had the funniest dream last night. Woman: Did you write it down? Man: No; it was so funny that I was sure to remember in the morning. I woke up at three thirty and thought, Oh, that …
In which Moi reads the back label of a yogurt tub
The dairy aisle of a supermarket. Moi stands silently reading the back label of a yogurt tub. After a moment, he silently reads the back of a second yogurt tub. Ewan McGregor quietly approaches and whispers: Ewan: Um, excuse me, Moi, I can’t help but notice that you are reading the back of that yogurt …
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In which Russell Brand lies on the floor in the fetal position
A garage. Twilight. Russell Brand lies on the floor in the fetal position. He cries. His wife unlocks the door joining the garage to the rest of the house. She carries a riding crop. Wife: Okay! I’m unlocking your door: come to my bedroom immediately and earn your keep, Russell, and—I’m warning you—you’d better have …
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In which Leo serenades Moi
Night. The front lawn of Moi’s house. A shadowy figure stands under Moi’s bedroom window. The shadowy figure holds a guitar in one hand and tosses pebbles at the glass with the other. After a few sharp clicks of the pebbles against the glass, Moi opens his bedroom window. Moi: Ewan, is that you again? …
In which two ravens fly through a Jordan B Peterson lecture
Jordan B Peterson stands before a class of undergraduates and lectures about Maps of Meaning. Peterson: If we don’t develop a moral sense as conscious and as elaborate as our technological sense, the fact that we are capable of becoming increasingly powerful will necessarily destroy us. The bigger your weapons, the smarter you’d better be …
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In which an evangelical pastor attempts to manipulate a young wizard
An evangelical pastor sits at the kitchen table with a well-marked open bible before him. His son walks into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator searching for the cold chicken, mayonnaise, tomatoes, lettuce, and bread. Pastor: Can I talk to you for a minute? Come and sit here. Son: Sure, what’s up? Pastor: I was …
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In which an angry disaffected young male (ADYM) wakes up to the sound of birds chirping
An angry disaffected young male (ADYM), who spent most of the night reading Jordan B Peterson, awakes in the morning to the sound of birds chirping in the sunrise. ADYM: So let me just try to get my head around this idea: Jordan is saying that I really CAN improve myself; I CAN admire someone …
In which a wizard goes to the mall with a plasma ball
A wizard walks into a shopping mall with a ball of plasma atop his wizard’s staff. He approaches a group of people loitering in a corridor. Wizard: Behold! People: Oh, god, what is that guy doing? Call the police! Wizard: I am here to teach you all how to wield the flame of Anor; with …
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In which Russell Brand has an interview
Russell Brand sits across from an interviewer. Interviewer: Hi, Russell, how have you been? Russell: Funny you should ask me that because I was just standing in front of the mirror, naked, of course, and I was asking myself that very question when my wife and small human came into the room—I’m a family man …