Rufus sits sucking a pencil for a few moments before writing. Rufus: Technology has improved how teachers teach and learners learn concepts, but, like, I don’t know because it is like, you know… To express stuff is, what’s that word? Rufus snaps his finger twice. Rufus: It is a synonym of concepts but not ideas …
Category Archives: Comedy
A fifth power outage at a restaurant
A man sits at a restaurant table. A woman sits across from him. The power goes out. They sit in darkness. Man: I was walking to the garden today with my hoe on my shoulder. I was thinking about spinach and carrots when a group of cyclists cycled up the road. The road is over …
A sixth power outage at a restaurant
A man stands outside of a restaurant near a vacant table. After a moment, the waitress approaches. Waitress: Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to retake your seat inside; the cook has turned on the soup signal, so all customers are kindly asked to retake their seats and eat their soup. Man: Is …
In which Ewan again hides from Scarlett
Scarlett punched the brick wall repeatedly until she had made a sizable hole; she reached into the hole for a brick, turned, and knocked Moi across the head. The brick exploded like an asteroid hitting the Yucatan peninsula during the Mesozoic Era. Moi reached up a casual hand and dusted his shoulder. Moi: My, my, …
In which Rufus introduces his cousin
I had been in jail for at least twenty-four hours when my cousin Budcock arrived to talk; well, talk isn’t the word because I am nearly a famous artist on the literal cusp of oeuvres of artwork that will just blow the socks off of everyone—even people who listen to Hip Hop music if you …
A fourth power outage at a restaurant
A fourth power outage at a restaurant. A man and wife sit in a restaurant in Europe. Man: Oh, thank god, we can fly to Iceland this summer without regard for covid restrictions; the old normal is back in Iceland. I vote we go there immediately and spread our money liberally. Woman: I’ll book us …
Overheard on the way to the beach
A Portuguese woman walks to the beach and talks into her phone. Tourist: She’s an American; she wants the enormous kitchen. Yes, it looks like a morgue. So what? She likes it; she wants stainless steel everywhere and the deep drawers that hide dead bodies. And the price! The more the better; no, don’t worry; …
A bit of Rufus
My mentor, Dermot Dermot, came into the Teacher’s Assistant rooms and yelled at me yesterday; I don’t know if he was having a bad day or if it got bad when he saw me standing atop the cubical wall. I thought it was an overreaction on his part because the cubical walls are robust and …
The republic
The Republic. Socrates stands before his troupe of Greeks and lectures at length about the perfect society. Socrates: All fiction stories must have a strong moral in which the good is rewarded and evil punished; if not, society will decay and die. Glaucon: Well, that’s perfectly clear, Socrates. Socrates: And, in our state, the color …
The soup
An apartment building. Sylvia stands outside the door of 37a and rings the bell. She holds a soup pot in her hand. After a moment, Kathy opens the door. Kathy: Hi! Sylvia: We finished your soup! Kathy: Oh, good; did you like it? Sylvia: Oh, of course! Kathy: The pot is dirty. Sylvia: Well, the …
A Rufus Wooster narration
If you are like me, you know what it is like to wash up unconscious on the beach with sand in your undergarments and have a beautiful Italian woman resuscitate you vigorously. If you are not like me—and I seriously doubt that you are like me in any way—, then you will have to take …
A conversation about the plague
A sixteenth-century city street. Alabaster Wren walks on the sunny side; Anthony Dull stands in a shadowed doorway. As Wren passes, Dull calls out and the two men have the following dialogue: Dull: Hi, mister Wren! Stop a moment, please! Wren: Mister Dull, how is life? Isn’t this sunshine lovely? Dull: Plague; who can enjoy …
In which a reporter interviews Johnny (incarcerated philosopher 10)
A jail cell. Johnny sits on the cell cot. The philosopher sits upon the toilet. The interviewer stands at the bars of the cell and points a pen at Johnny. Reporter: In a recent interview for GQ you mentioned that you are twenty years ahead of your audience. Johnny: That interview was like twenty years …
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What the Dickens
I am about to start telling you a story. It will be very similar to one that Dickens would tell you, but before I begin, this whole situation of telling stories reminds me of my grandfather who always told me that if I take the time to do anything, I should go it right the …
In which a banker talks to a mechanic
A banker enters a garage and approaches a car under which a mechanic works. Banker: Hello? Hi, Dave! Do you remember me? We talked on the phone last week and scheduled an appointment for— The banker looks at his watch. Banker: For ten minutes ago. You see, the idea was that we would arrive here …
A discussion about yellow laundry
Dad: Where is my yellow shirt? Mom: It is still dirty. Dad: Why haven’t you done the yellow laundry yet? Mom: I can’t; I don’t have a full load. Dad: Well, get a full load; wash some clean yellow clothes. Mom: Not until your daughter wears her yellow clothes; then, I’ll do a load of …
In which Moi speaks an aside to the audience while waiting in line at a grocery store
A grocery store. Moi waits in line near a showcase of books. He reads the titles aside to the audience: Moi, aside: Oh, these books look wonderful! Wow! Here we have a book entitled “Adolescents: how to diminish your teenager’s resentment of you as much as possible.” I love the mixture of How To and …
In which Moi meets Scarlett for the first time
A café. Dawn. Moi sits and reads a play by William Shakespeare. Ewan enters the café and runs to Moi’s table. Ewan: Hide me, quick! Moi: What’s going on! Ewan: No time! Hide me! Moi: Under the table! Ewan crawls under the table. Immediately afterward Scarlett Johansson enters the café, pauses, looks around, and approaches. …
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Two-four-five minutes
The middle of the night. Daughter (from her bedroom): Papa? Papa? PAPA! Papa (half asleep): Huh? Daughter: When is it going to be morning? Papa: Don’t worry; you’ll know when it happens. Daughter: How long? Papa: Two-four-five minutes. Daughter: Okay. They both go back to sleep. The end.
Baa?
A mother sheep grazes outside of the fence near a country road. Her baby grazes nearby. A truck approaches, frightens the baby, which jumps under the wheels of the truck and dies. The mother sheep stops grazing, walks to her baby sheep, and bleats “why” three times: Sheep: Baa? Baa? BAA? The end.
In which a woman asks about spanking
A kitchen table. A woman sits with various pamphlets in front of her. She makes a phone call. Woman: Hi, hello, yes, very well, thank you. I’m calling because I want to put my father into a home for old people. Yes, yes, that’s right; old, old, old. Well, I was reading over your literature …
In which Silvia learns a little French
Silvia sits at a mirror and combs straw out of her hair. Silvia: I don’t speak much the language of fogs and frogs, that French language: the language of the mayonnaise eaters. Or do they produce the mayonnaise? Perhaps both: production and eating. I know they produce mayonnaise. Jacques produces mayonnaise. His mayonnaise is quite …
In which Ewan asks Moi about ideal dinner guests
Ewan: Who would your ideal dinner guests me, Moi?Moi: Hm, that’s an interesting question, Ewan. I guess, these three: Moses Shakespeare JRR Tolkien Ewan: That’s an interesting mixture.Moi: I suppose they would just sit there looking at one another.Ewan: Haha, I guess so.Moi: I’d say, Well, this is fun; just being here with you guys …
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A conversation that de-evolves
What is Kate’s father’s name?Kate? I thought Kate had two moms.No; Kate has a mom and a dad; the dad is one of the teachers at your daughter’s school.Oh, I was thinking of, um; hey, what time is it?It is almost six. I can’t remember the teacher’s name: Kate’s father.Which one is Kate?She has the …
In which two hippies wrestle in the dirt
Two hippies crash through a bar window and wrestle in the dirt street; the local sheriff awakes from a cat nap, approaches, draws his pistol, and shoots a warning shot into the air. The two hippies pause. Sheriff: What’s the problem, boys? Hippie: He said compost is the same as fermentation! Other hippie: They’re the …
In which a clown sits on a log in a forest
A forest. A clown sits on a log. She looks around and sees that she is indeed alone in the forest, so she begins to pick her nose. The end.
In which a clown sits by the side of a road
A road at dawn. A clown sits by the side of the road. At first the clown is happy, but, after some hours, the clown becomes sad. The end.
In which a father and daughter discuss pizza
A father helps his daughter bathe, blow dry her hair, dress, re-dress with even better colors, and finally spritz perfume. The girl stands at the door of the house mildly angry. Girl: You didn’t button my jacket, or anything!Father: I disagree.Girl: It is true: look!Father: I would agree if you said that I did everything …
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In which Moi apologizes to Ewan for yelling about yogurt
Ewan’s front door. Moi rings the bell. After a moment, Ewan opens the door. He wears an apron. Ewan: Moi! Moi: Hi, Ewan. I wanted to come by your house today and apologize for yelling at you about the yogurt. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I was reading the news a lot and, well, …
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In which two clowns meet in an oak forest
An oak forest. Two clowns meet on a fern-bordered path. One holds a chocolate cake; the other holds a guitar. They smile. They gesture exchange. They exchange the guitar for the chocolate cake. They sit. One clown plays the guitar; the other eats cake. After a moment, the guitar’s D string breaks; the clown holds …
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In which the fuddy duddy asks about late late breakfast
The fuddy-duddy rings his silver bell and waits; after a few moments, his sister comes to the doorway and looks at him with dead eyes. FD: Oh, I’m sorry: I see you’ve been watching the news. Sister: Yes, as a matter of fact, I was; how can you tell? FD: Just years of caring deeply …
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In which we introduce the unvaccinated Jew
An unvaccinated Jew raises his hand during a press conference. President: Um, yes, the unvaccinated Jew there in the back with the silly hat? Jew: So, these lockdowns for the unvaccinated Jews like me won’t snowball into a negative social stigma? Resulting in a ghetto-starvation situation? And then a concentration camp like, say, in twenty …
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A third power outage at a restaurant
A restaurant. A man and woman sit at dinner. A bluejay perches on a chair nearby. Man: I had the funniest dream last night. Woman: Did you write it down? Man: No; it was so funny that I was sure to remember in the morning. I woke up at three thirty and thought, Oh, that …
In which Moi reads the back label of a yogurt tub
The dairy aisle of a supermarket. Moi stands silently reading the back label of a yogurt tub. After a moment, he silently reads the back of a second yogurt tub. Ewan McGregor quietly approaches and whispers: Ewan: Um, excuse me, Moi, I can’t help but notice that you are reading the back of that yogurt …
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In which Russell Brand lies on the floor in the fetal position
A garage. Twilight. Russell Brand lies on the floor in the fetal position. He cries. His wife unlocks the door joining the garage to the rest of the house. She carries a riding crop. Wife: Okay! I’m unlocking your door: come to my bedroom immediately and earn your keep, Russell, and—I’m warning you—you’d better have …
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In which Leo serenades Moi
Night. The front lawn of Moi’s house. A shadowy figure stands under Moi’s bedroom window. The shadowy figure holds a guitar in one hand and tosses pebbles at the glass with the other. After a few sharp clicks of the pebbles against the glass, Moi opens his bedroom window. Moi: Ewan, is that you again? …
In which two ravens fly through a Jordan B Peterson lecture
Jordan B Peterson stands before a class of undergraduates and lectures about Maps of Meaning. Peterson: If we don’t develop a moral sense as conscious and as elaborate as our technological sense, the fact that we are capable of becoming increasingly powerful will necessarily destroy us. The bigger your weapons, the smarter you’d better be …
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In which an evangelical pastor attempts to manipulate a young wizard
An evangelical pastor sits at the kitchen table with a well-marked open bible before him. His son walks into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator searching for the cold chicken, mayonnaise, tomatoes, lettuce, and bread. Pastor: Can I talk to you for a minute? Come and sit here. Son: Sure, what’s up? Pastor: I was …
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In which an angry disaffected young male (ADYM) wakes up to the sound of birds chirping
An angry disaffected young male (ADYM), who spent most of the night reading Jordan B Peterson, awakes in the morning to the sound of birds chirping in the sunrise. ADYM: So let me just try to get my head around this idea: Jordan is saying that I really CAN improve myself; I CAN admire someone …
In which a wizard goes to the mall with a plasma ball
A wizard walks into a shopping mall with a ball of plasma atop his wizard’s staff. He approaches a group of people loitering in a corridor. Wizard: Behold! People: Oh, god, what is that guy doing? Call the police! Wizard: I am here to teach you all how to wield the flame of Anor; with …
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In which Russell Brand has an interview
Russell Brand sits across from an interviewer. Interviewer: Hi, Russell, how have you been? Russell: Funny you should ask me that because I was just standing in front of the mirror, naked, of course, and I was asking myself that very question when my wife and small human came into the room—I’m a family man …
In which the fuddy-duddy writes about The Hobbit
The fuddy-duddy picks up a pen, considers a moment, and begins: “How many times have I read The Hobbit? I’ll have to ask Beatrix.” The fuddy-duddy rings the silver bell that sits at his elbow. He waits a moment. He leans forward and pokes the fire with a fire tool. “Beatrix must be on the …
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In which Johnny dreams about his ex wife (incarcerated philosopher 9)
Flashback. Johnny’s kitchen. Johnny prepares sauerkraut with this ex-wife. The two stand at a table and chop cabbage. Johnny is naked but wearing a tasteful pink apron. His ex-wife is naked, too, and also wearing a pink apron. Soft elevator music plays in the background. A bottle of wine and two full glasses stand near …
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In which Leo and Ewan fight over Moi
Moi sits at a table in a café. Ewan McGregor stands awkwardly nearby and chats with Moi. Leonardo DiCaprio approaches up the street and, seeing Moi and Ewan in the café, knocks on the café window. Ewan: Oh, god, don’t look up, Moi! Moi: Why? Ewan: Oh, no; he saw us! Leo waves and knocks …
A second power outage at a restaurant
A restaurant. A man and woman sit at dinner. A cat sits on a chair nearby. Man: Do you remember the last time we were here? Woman: The power outage? Yeah. Man: Why did we return? Woman: I recall a heated discussion some moments ago—what time is it? Man: Seven thirty; you ask me that …
In which Moi lets Ewan wear his hat
Moi sits at a table outside of a café; Ewan McGregor approaches. Ewan: Indiana Jones! Moi: Moi? Ewan: I think it is the hat; the whole ensemble, but mostly the hat. Moi: If you say so. Ewan: I don’t think I could wear one—a hat. Moi: Sure you could: you just put in on your …
Rueful negotiation
Rufus walks into a seaside restaurant and sits at the bar; his aunt’s boyfriend Lucky Strike walks over. Rufus: Hi, Lucky, man am I hungry! I’ve been making artwork all morning on the beach! Lucky: You’ve been making artwork? Rufus: Yeah, and I’m super hungry! Lucky: What does that remind me of? Something Georgiana told …
In which Rufus sleeps under Dermot’s desk
Dermot Dermot hung up the phone as gently as possible with a delicate push of his thumb. He even said, “No, no, thank YOU officer,” as if he appreciated the call from the FBI agent about the missing handgun. He leaned back in his limo seat and ran a shaking hand over his face. A …
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In which Johnny asks for lemon and syrup (incarcerated philosopher 7)
The philosopher’s cell mate, the local drunk Johnny, stands in the jail cafeteria and waves a hand at the cook. Drunk: Excuse me, darling! Cook: I’m a dude, man. Drunk: I knew that…? Cook: What? Drunk: This gruel is great; I love it; could you add a slice of lemon peel while cooking it tomorrow? …
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In which the philosopher recognizes the local drunk as being a famous actor (incarcerated philosopher 6)
The local drunk sits on his jail bed and thumbs his phone. The philosopher paces the cell; suddenly he turns on the drunk accusingly: Philosopher: You are an actor! I’ve seen your face on a movie poster! Drunk: Who, me? Philosopher: You are Johnny Depp! Drunk: Moi? Philosopher: Yes, I’m sure of it now! It …