A bedroom. The fuddy-duddy lays in bed with the blankets pulled up to his neck. His sister enters with a second blanket and tosses it over him. Fuddy-duddy: Stop! Sister: I thought you would be cold. Fuddy-duddy: How will my farts escape if I use another blanket? Sister: Ah, yes, well, um. Oh, dear. I …
Category Archives: historio-tragicomedy
Sans leash
A man and an old dog walk through the park sans leash. The man pauses to look at a bird. The old dog pauses, too. Then, the old dog looks up at the man as if to say, “Shouldn’t you put the dog leash on me now? I don’t really trust myself in this park. …
This is how the cookie deconstructs
Dermot walks into an art gallery. He or she — I’m never sure what the plumbing is — stands in front of a painting of a large cookie. After a moment, Dermot says aloud: “This is how the cookie deconstructs.” Fin
Eggy Portuguese cakes
Dawn. A café in Portugal. A fat tourist stands at a cake vitrine and ponders which cake will pair well with an Earl Gray tea. A second customer stand behind the tourist in line. Tourist: Portuguese cakes are too eggy! All that egg is just disgusting! Second customer: GO BACK TO YOUR OWN COUNTRY! GO …
An eighth power outage at a restaurant
Evening. A crowded restaurant. A man and woman sit at a table. The man stands. He hits a fork against his wine glass. Everyone in the restaurant turns to look at the man. Man: Clink, clink, clink. Can I have everyone’s attention? Yes? Thank you! I just want all of you to know that my …
A cautionary tale about tepid coffee
Morning. A kitchen. A man sits at a breakfast table. He picks up a coffee mug in both hands. He blows on the coffee. He sips. He spits the coffee back into the mug. Man: Tepid. The man carefully sets his mug on the table. He stands. He grabs the table, lifts, and flips the …
Stone soup
Midday. A restaurant. A tourist enters. Waitress: Hi. Are you here for lunch?Tourist: Yes.Waitress: Would you like the plate of the day?Tourist: Yes.Waitress: And a soup?Tourist: What kind of soup?Waitress: Stone soup.Tourist: What kind of stone? The end.
Camouflage trousers
John walks down one side of the street. He wears camouflage trousers. A friend walks up the other side of the street. They wave at one another and continue. The friend stops suddenly. Friend: JOHN! WHERE ARE YOUR LEGS? John looks around confused. He looks down at his camouflaged trousers. Friend: Oh, you are wearing …
In which Rufus puts pen to paper for the gentle reader
Oh, god, how long has it been since I put pen to paper and recounted any of the amazing adventures into which my artwork has led me? Yes, some would say landed me – as in landing me in the shit – but I don’t see it that way. I rise above even my dead …
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Johnny pitches a movie idea to the philosopher (12)
Jail. The incarcerated philosopher and Johnny enjoy a bottle of wine in their jail cell. The philosopher sits on the bed and Johnny sits on the cement floor. Johnny finishes telling a story. Johnny: …that’s what she said. The philosopher laughs long and hard. Johnny: Those “That’s what she said” jokes don’t get old, do …
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In which two old men have a fight
Midmorning. An old man stands outside of a building and eats an apple. A second old man hobbles up the road with a walking stick. Bill: Hey, smoking kills!Jim: This is an apple.Bill: Is it?Jim: Go get new glasses, bitch.Bill: Who are you calling bitch, punk. Bill pokes Jim with his walking stick. Jim: Oh, …
A seventh power outage at a restaurant
Evening. A restaurant. Ask and Embla sit to eat. Ask: Did you see how much blood came out of that man’s face? Embla: He hit his head hard. Ask: He passed out; maybe from the heat. Maybe from something else. Embla: Hush! That’s dangerous to say in public. Ask: It’s true! Embla: I know! Look …
In which the incarcerated philosopher dreams of Johnny Depp (incarcerated philosopher 11)
Johnny and the unvaccinated philosopher sit in their jail cell. Johnny on his jail cot and the philosopher on the floor. Philosopher: I had a dream about you. Johnny: Haha, that’s not something you want your cell mate to say. Philosopher: Ah, yes, now that you mention it; I can see what you mean. The …
In which Rufus expresses a concept
Rufus sits sucking a pencil for a few moments before writing. Rufus: Technology has improved how teachers teach and learners learn concepts, but, like, I don’t know because it is like, you know… To express stuff is, what’s that word? Rufus snaps his finger twice. Rufus: It is a synonym of concepts but not ideas …
A fifth power outage at a restaurant
A man sits at a restaurant table. A woman sits across from him. The power goes out. They sit in darkness. Man: I was walking to the garden today with my hoe on my shoulder. I was thinking about spinach and carrots when a group of cyclists cycled up the road. The road is over …
A sixth power outage at a restaurant
A man stands outside of a restaurant near a vacant table. After a moment, the waitress approaches. Waitress: Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to retake your seat inside; the cook has turned on the soup signal, so all customers are kindly asked to retake their seats and eat their soup. Man: Is …
In which Ewan again hides from Scarlett
Scarlett punched the brick wall repeatedly until she had made a sizable hole; she reached into the hole for a brick, turned, and knocked Moi across the head. The brick exploded like an asteroid hitting the Yucatan peninsula during the Mesozoic Era. Moi reached up a casual hand and dusted his shoulder. Moi: My, my, …
In which Moi reads Wodehouse
Sunset. A lake in the north country. Moi sits on a purple blanket at the edge of the water. An open fire warms a pot of coffee. Moi reads a few different PG Wodehouse novels back-to-back for hours on end, pauses, pours a coffee, and speaks an aside. Moi: I was always confused how Wodehouse …
In which Rufus introduces his cousin
I had been in jail for at least twenty-four hours when my cousin Budcock arrived to talk; well, talk isn’t the word because I am nearly a famous artist on the literal cusp of oeuvres of artwork that will just blow the socks off of everyone—even people who listen to Hip Hop music if you …
A fourth power outage at a restaurant
A fourth power outage at a restaurant. A man and wife sit in a restaurant in Europe. Man: Oh, thank god, we can fly to Iceland this summer without regard for covid restrictions; the old normal is back in Iceland. I vote we go there immediately and spread our money liberally. Woman: I’ll book us …
Overheard on the way to the beach
A Portuguese woman walks to the beach and talks into her phone. Tourist: She’s an American; she wants the enormous kitchen. Yes, it looks like a morgue. So what? She likes it; she wants stainless steel everywhere and the deep drawers that hide dead bodies. And the price! The more the better; no, don’t worry; …
A covid patient reads Plato
Afternoon sunlight shines through a window into a bedroom; a covid patient sits reading in the sunlight on the bed. Patient: Well, I finally have my answer. How many years ago did I write that question on Quora asking about why America’s two party system was creating such anger between the two halves of the …
Socrates interviews Ben Shapiro
Ben Shapiro sits for an interview with Socrates. Socrates: Hey, thanks for joining me today. Ben: Happy to be here. Socrates: I’ve been listening to your social commentary and find it lacking in a good measure of truth. You’ve definitely expressed one of the many facets of reality, but you leave much to be desired. …
The swing
A ten-year-old swings from a rope swing hung from an oak tree in rural Idaho; he talks to himself: Ten-year-old: Gosh, I really like to swing; I swing so much some days that I get sick. What is that sickness? A motion sickness? What causes that sickness? Is something sloshing around in my head so …
A bit of Rufus
My mentor, Dermot Dermot, came into the Teacher’s Assistant rooms and yelled at me yesterday; I don’t know if he was having a bad day or if it got bad when he saw me standing atop the cubical wall. I thought it was an overreaction on his part because the cubical walls are robust and …
The republic
The Republic. Socrates stands before his troupe of Greeks and lectures at length about the perfect society. Socrates: All fiction stories must have a strong moral in which the good is rewarded and evil punished; if not, society will decay and die. Glaucon: Well, that’s perfectly clear, Socrates. Socrates: And, in our state, the color …
The soup
An apartment building. Sylvia stands outside the door of 37a and rings the bell. She holds a soup pot in her hand. After a moment, Kathy opens the door. Kathy: Hi! Sylvia: We finished your soup! Kathy: Oh, good; did you like it? Sylvia: Oh, of course! Kathy: The pot is dirty. Sylvia: Well, the …
A Rufus Wooster narration
If you are like me, you know what it is like to wash up unconscious on the beach with sand in your undergarments and have a beautiful Italian woman resuscitate you vigorously. If you are not like me—and I seriously doubt that you are like me in any way—, then you will have to take …
A conversation about the plague
A sixteenth-century city street. Alabaster Wren walks on the sunny side; Anthony Dull stands in a shadowed doorway. As Wren passes, Dull calls out and the two men have the following dialogue: Dull: Hi, mister Wren! Stop a moment, please! Wren: Mister Dull, how is life? Isn’t this sunshine lovely? Dull: Plague; who can enjoy …
In which a reporter interviews Johnny (incarcerated philosopher 10)
A jail cell. Johnny sits on the cell cot. The philosopher sits upon the toilet. The interviewer stands at the bars of the cell and points a pen at Johnny. Reporter: In a recent interview for GQ you mentioned that you are twenty years ahead of your audience. Johnny: That interview was like twenty years …
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What the Dickens
I am about to start telling you a story. It will be very similar to one that Dickens would tell you, but before I begin, this whole situation of telling stories reminds me of my grandfather who always told me that if I take the time to do anything, I should go it right the …
In which a banker talks to a mechanic
A banker enters a garage and approaches a car under which a mechanic works. Banker: Hello? Hi, Dave! Do you remember me? We talked on the phone last week and scheduled an appointment for— The banker looks at his watch. Banker: For ten minutes ago. You see, the idea was that we would arrive here …
A discussion about yellow laundry
Dad: Where is my yellow shirt? Mom: It is still dirty. Dad: Why haven’t you done the yellow laundry yet? Mom: I can’t; I don’t have a full load. Dad: Well, get a full load; wash some clean yellow clothes. Mom: Not until your daughter wears her yellow clothes; then, I’ll do a load of …
In which Moi speaks an aside to the audience while waiting in line at a grocery store
A grocery store. Moi waits in line near a showcase of books. He reads the titles aside to the audience: Moi, aside: Oh, these books look wonderful! Wow! Here we have a book entitled “Adolescents: how to diminish your teenager’s resentment of you as much as possible.” I love the mixture of How To and …
In which Moi meets Scarlett for the first time
A café. Dawn. Moi sits and reads a play by William Shakespeare. Ewan enters the café and runs to Moi’s table. Ewan: Hide me, quick! Moi: What’s going on! Ewan: No time! Hide me! Moi: Under the table! Ewan crawls under the table. Immediately afterward Scarlett Johansson enters the café, pauses, looks around, and approaches. …
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Two-four-five minutes
The middle of the night. Daughter (from her bedroom): Papa? Papa? PAPA! Papa (half asleep): Huh? Daughter: When is it going to be morning? Papa: Don’t worry; you’ll know when it happens. Daughter: How long? Papa: Two-four-five minutes. Daughter: Okay. They both go back to sleep. The end.
Baa?
A mother sheep grazes outside of the fence near a country road. Her baby grazes nearby. A truck approaches, frightens the baby, which jumps under the wheels of the truck and dies. The mother sheep stops grazing, walks to her baby sheep, and bleats “why” three times: Sheep: Baa? Baa? BAA? The end.
In which a woman asks about spanking
A kitchen table. A woman sits with various pamphlets in front of her. She makes a phone call. Woman: Hi, hello, yes, very well, thank you. I’m calling because I want to put my father into a home for old people. Yes, yes, that’s right; old, old, old. Well, I was reading over your literature …
In which Silvia learns a little French
Silvia sits at a mirror and combs straw out of her hair. Silvia: I don’t speak much the language of fogs and frogs, that French language: the language of the mayonnaise eaters. Or do they produce the mayonnaise? Perhaps both: production and eating. I know they produce mayonnaise. Jacques produces mayonnaise. His mayonnaise is quite …
In which Ewan asks Moi about ideal dinner guests
Ewan: Who would your ideal dinner guests me, Moi?Moi: Hm, that’s an interesting question, Ewan. I guess, these three: Moses Shakespeare JRR Tolkien Ewan: That’s an interesting mixture.Moi: I suppose they would just sit there looking at one another.Ewan: Haha, I guess so.Moi: I’d say, Well, this is fun; just being here with you guys …
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A conversation that de-evolves
What is Kate’s father’s name?Kate? I thought Kate had two moms.No; Kate has a mom and a dad; the dad is one of the teachers at your daughter’s school.Oh, I was thinking of, um; hey, what time is it?It is almost six. I can’t remember the teacher’s name: Kate’s father.Which one is Kate?She has the …
In which two hippies wrestle in the dirt
Two hippies crash through a bar window and wrestle in the dirt street; the local sheriff awakes from a cat nap, approaches, draws his pistol, and shoots a warning shot into the air. The two hippies pause. Sheriff: What’s the problem, boys? Hippie: He said compost is the same as fermentation! Other hippie: They’re the …
In which a clown sits on a log in a forest
A forest. A clown sits on a log. She looks around and sees that she is indeed alone in the forest, so she begins to pick her nose. The end.
In which a clown sits by the side of a road
A road at dawn. A clown sits by the side of the road. At first the clown is happy, but, after some hours, the clown becomes sad. The end.
In which a father and daughter discuss pizza
A father helps his daughter bathe, blow dry her hair, dress, re-dress with even better colors, and finally spritz perfume. The girl stands at the door of the house mildly angry. Girl: You didn’t button my jacket, or anything!Father: I disagree.Girl: It is true: look!Father: I would agree if you said that I did everything …
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In which Moi apologizes to Ewan for yelling about yogurt
Ewan’s front door. Moi rings the bell. After a moment, Ewan opens the door. He wears an apron. Ewan: Moi! Moi: Hi, Ewan. I wanted to come by your house today and apologize for yelling at you about the yogurt. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I was reading the news a lot and, well, …
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In which two clowns meet in an oak forest
An oak forest. Two clowns meet on a fern-bordered path. One holds a chocolate cake; the other holds a guitar. They smile. They gesture exchange. They exchange the guitar for the chocolate cake. They sit. One clown plays the guitar; the other eats cake. After a moment, the guitar’s D string breaks; the clown holds …
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In which the fuddy duddy asks about late late breakfast
The fuddy-duddy rings his silver bell and waits; after a few moments, his sister comes to the doorway and looks at him with dead eyes. FD: Oh, I’m sorry: I see you’ve been watching the news. Sister: Yes, as a matter of fact, I was; how can you tell? FD: Just years of caring deeply …
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In which we introduce the unvaccinated Jew
An unvaccinated Jew raises his hand during a press conference. President: Um, yes, the unvaccinated Jew there in the back with the silly hat? Jew: So, these lockdowns for the unvaccinated Jews like me won’t snowball into a negative social stigma? Resulting in a ghetto-starvation situation? And then a concentration camp like, say, in twenty …
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A third power outage at a restaurant
A restaurant. A man and woman sit at dinner. A bluejay perches on a chair nearby. Man: I had the funniest dream last night. Woman: Did you write it down? Man: No; it was so funny that I was sure to remember in the morning. I woke up at three thirty and thought, Oh, that …