The dairy aisle of a supermarket. Moi stands silently reading the back label of a yogurt tub. After a moment, he silently reads the back of a second yogurt tub. Ewan McGregor quietly approaches and whispers: Ewan: Um, excuse me, Moi, I can’t help but notice that you are reading the back of that yogurt …
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A garage. Twilight. Russell Brand lies on the floor in the fetal position. He cries. His wife unlocks the door joining the garage to the rest of the house. She carries a riding crop. Wife: Okay! I’m unlocking your door: come to my bedroom immediately and earn your keep, Russell, and—I’m warning you—you’d better have …
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Night. The front lawn of Moi’s house. A shadowy figure stands under Moi’s bedroom window. The shadowy figure holds a guitar in one hand and tosses pebbles at the glass with the other. After a few sharp clicks of the pebbles against the glass, Moi opens his bedroom window. Moi: Ewan, is that you again? …
Jordan B Peterson stands before a class of undergraduates and lectures about Maps of Meaning. Peterson: If we don’t develop a moral sense as conscious and as elaborate as our technological sense, the fact that we are capable of becoming increasingly powerful will necessarily destroy us. The bigger your weapons, the smarter you’d better be …
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An evangelical pastor sits at the kitchen table with a well-marked open bible before him. His son walks into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator searching for the cold chicken, mayonnaise, tomatoes, lettuce, and bread. Pastor: Can I talk to you for a minute? Come and sit here. Son: Sure, what’s up? Pastor: I was …
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An angry disaffected young male (ADYM), who spent most of the night reading Jordan B Peterson, awakes in the morning to the sound of birds chirping in the sunrise. ADYM: So let me just try to get my head around this idea: Jordan is saying that I really CAN improve myself; I CAN admire someone …
A wizard walks into a shopping mall with a ball of plasma atop his wizard’s staff. He approaches a group of people loitering in a corridor. Wizard: Behold! People: Oh, god, what is that guy doing? Call the police! Wizard: I am here to teach you all how to wield the flame of Anor; with …
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Russell Brand sits across from an interviewer. Interviewer: Hi, Russell, how have you been? Russell: Funny you should ask me that because I was just standing in front of the mirror, naked, of course, and I was asking myself that very question when my wife and small human came into the room—I’m a family man …
The fuddy-duddy picks up a pen, considers a moment, and begins: “How many times have I read The Hobbit? I’ll have to ask Beatrix.” The fuddy-duddy rings the silver bell that sits at his elbow. He waits a moment. He leans forward and pokes the fire with a fire tool. “Beatrix must be on the …
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Flashback. Johnny’s kitchen. Johnny prepares sauerkraut with this ex-wife. The two stand at a table and chop cabbage. Johnny is naked but wearing a tasteful pink apron. His ex-wife is naked, too, and also wearing a pink apron. Soft elevator music plays in the background. A bottle of wine and two full glasses stand near …
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Moi sits at a table in a café. Ewan McGregor stands awkwardly nearby and chats with Moi. Leonardo DiCaprio approaches up the street and, seeing Moi and Ewan in the café, knocks on the café window. Ewan: Oh, god, don’t look up, Moi! Moi: Why? Ewan: Oh, no; he saw us! Leo waves and knocks …
A restaurant. A man and woman sit at dinner. A cat sits on a chair nearby. Man: Do you remember the last time we were here? Woman: The power outage? Yeah. Man: Why did we return? Woman: I recall a heated discussion some moments ago—what time is it? Man: Seven thirty; you ask me that …
Moi sits at a table outside of a café; Ewan McGregor approaches. Ewan: Indiana Jones! Moi: Moi? Ewan: I think it is the hat; the whole ensemble, but mostly the hat. Moi: If you say so. Ewan: I don’t think I could wear one—a hat. Moi: Sure you could: you just put in on your …
In a stone house in the middle of Lisbon there lived a young girl. Not a nasty, dirty, wet stone house, filled with green and black mold, nor yet a dry, bare, modern stone house with nothing in it but glass and rubber light fixtures that jiggle when you touch them: it was a Portuguese …
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Dawn. A thousand years in the future. A knoll in an oak forest. Granite boulders loll about where an ancient cataclysm tossed them. A half naked troglodyte, piebald and weary, limps up the knoll and sees a text engraved on a stone. The troglodyte approaches, knocks off some moss, and reads the following: To whom …
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Rufus walks into a seaside restaurant and sits at the bar; his aunt’s boyfriend Lucky Strike walks over. Rufus: Hi, Lucky, man am I hungry! I’ve been making artwork all morning on the beach! Lucky: You’ve been making artwork? Rufus: Yeah, and I’m super hungry! Lucky: What does that remind me of? Something Georgiana told …
Dermot Dermot hung up the phone as gently as possible with a delicate push of his thumb. He even said, “No, no, thank YOU officer,” as if he appreciated the call from the FBI agent about the missing handgun. He leaned back in his limo seat and ran a shaking hand over his face. A …
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Philosopher: I miss your giggle; when you came here—the first couple of nights that you were here—you giggled all the time! Johnny: I can’t giggle anymore; I lost the little spark of je ne sais quoi which gave me my effeminate charm. I think it was when my ex-wife pooped on my bed. She said …
Irene and Teresa walk home from school a few days after they both fell into a well. Teresa: Thanks for jumping into that well to save me. Irene: That’s okay; my dad asked me to watch over you. Teresa: Why? Irene: I can’t really tell you that, but I was the one in danger, not …
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The philosopher’s cell mate, the local drunk Johnny, stands in the jail cafeteria and waves a hand at the cook. Drunk: Excuse me, darling! Cook: I’m a dude, man. Drunk: I knew that…? Cook: What? Drunk: This gruel is great; I love it; could you add a slice of lemon peel while cooking it tomorrow? …
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At the mouth of the open well, a small group had formed around a Portuguese television personality named Catarina. Catarina, into the camera: If you are joining us just now, we are live at a music festival where a girl has fallen into a well, and a boy rappelled in after her to save her. …
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The local drunk sits on his jail bed and thumbs his phone. The philosopher paces the cell; suddenly he turns on the drunk accusingly: Philosopher: You are an actor! I’ve seen your face on a movie poster! Drunk: Who, me? Philosopher: You are Johnny Depp! Drunk: Moi? Philosopher: Yes, I’m sure of it now! It …
A woman drives a car up a dirt road into a forest. She parks, walks a ways into the forest, pees, and says: Woman: Ah, well-met, Forest! As she pulls up her trousers, the pines sigh in a gentle breeze. Birds chirp. Two oak leaves flutter down and land on the woman’s voluminous, dark hair …
A school; Moi approaches as a small human cries wildly near the door. Moi: Hey, little tiger, why are you crying? Small human: My m-mommy is so selfish! Moi: It isn’t any of my business, but I have some helpful observations, which I would love to observe upon you. Small human: T-tell me; I’m w-wise …
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The philosopher sits on his jail bed. His cell mate, the local drunk, stands in the corner thumbing a phone. A bitcoin miner enters the jail and approaches the cell bars. Miner: Are you the philosopher? Drunk: No, I’m just here for the food and the wifi. Philosopher: To whom do I owe the pleasure …
The fuddy-duddy sits in his office at the university; a student walks into the room. Fuddy-duddy, under his breath: Oh, god. Student: Hi! Fuddy-duddy: My office hours, as yet, have not begun; please, if you will stand outside the door for another moment…? Student: Did I pass the class? Fuddy-duddy: Did you, or did you …
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A hillside in a park; Moi and Ewan sit on a blanket. Moi: You’ve never told me one thing: what is it like to kiss Scarlett Johans— At the word “Scarlett,” Ewan leaps to his feet, kneels beside Moi, and clasps a hand to Moi’s mouth. Ewan: DO NOT SPEAK HER NAME! Moi mumbles something …
The fuddy-duddy sits ensconced in his study poking his fire occasionally. His mind turns to that first, and only, attempt he every made a writing a novel, the attempt which proved to him and the rest of the world the truth of the proverb: Those who are unable to write beautifully become critics. He opens …
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Too early on Saturday morning. The doorbell rings; the doorbell rings again; the doorbell rings a third time and finally Moi answers the door. Moi: Oh, Ewan, it’s you. Ewan: Surprise! Biscotti and espresso! Moi: Huh? Ewan: I have biscotti! Moi: Isn’t it a little early? Ewan: Oh, my god, wait: Did I do it …
A philosopher sits in a jail cell and pontificates at his cell mate. Philosopher: The concept of herd immunity is ridiculous and reveals the weakness in our public health. I mean, there is no such thing as herd immunity; there is individual immunity, yes, and, by extension, groups are immune, but it is the individual’s …
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Moi sits at a café in a medieval village reading an archaic novel by someone with the audacity to possess—and use publicly—three or four enormously long names. Ewan McGregor approaches from street left. Ewan: Hey, Moi! Moi: Yes? Ewan: I’m so happy I found you; guess what? Moi: Your excitement is contagious: what is it? …
A small study. The walls are covered in antique books and a happy fire burns in the hearth. An armchair sits in the middle of the room where a fuddy-duddy sits reading a novel by Baroness Emmuska Orczy about the adventures of the dashing and imitable Scarlet Pimpernel. The F.D. puts down his book, picks …
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A park bench. A man sits and drinks a box of wine and talks to himself. Kids play nearby in the grass. Man: I always thought I was better than other people, but I saw the error of my ways—early on, very early. I was like, ten-years-old; haha, man, I was precocious in those days. …
A restaurant. A man and wife sit at dinner. The electrical output in the kitchen overloads the circuit and the lights shut off. The couple sit in darkness for a moment before speaking. Man: I wonder how much of a discount this will be? Woman: It depends if you flip the breaker for them. Man: …
Moi stands at the door of a public bathroom and looks at the sidewalk. Ewan McGregor approaches. Ewan: Man, I need to pee! Moi: Stop. Ewan: What are you looking at, man? Moi: Stop, don’t go any further. Ewan: I need to pee! Moi: Look at the ground: there is a poo there and some …
A bilingual child returns from the beach and talks to her father. Father: How was the beach? Daughter: It was amazing; I swimmed the whole time! Father: Swam, not swimmed. Daughter: And I only left the water once! Father: To pee? Daughter: No, to eat a cake! Father: What cake did you eat? Daughter: I …
A man with a gorgeous, wizardly beard enters a barber shop. He has tears in his eyes. Beard: Hi, sniff, I need a shave! Barber: I can see that, Gandalf. Beard: Yeah? I love the wizard look, but… Barber: I can trim the sides; you’ll have a really clean look, my man. Come sit in …
A quiet caravan park. A French couple sit at a table next to their caravan. A bottle of red wine stands open on the table between them. They drink. A homeless man approaches out of the nearby shrubbery. Homeless: vin glug glug glug moi? When the Frenchies don’t respond, the homeless man, who obviously doesn’t …
A park. Rufus stands at his easel to paint a picture; the canvas is blank. Inspiration will come soon, I’m sure. A dog approaches and poops. Rufus, mumbling to himself: I don’t know which color to select today: do I feel like painting something from my blue period, or do I feel like painting something …
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A father and daughter sit on a blanket in the park. Daughter: Papa! PAPA! HEY, PAPA! Father: Yes, what? Daughter: I asked you a question. Father: Oh, really? That’s ironic. Daughter: Don’t change the subject: I asked you a question. Father: I didn’t hear you; what was the question? Daughter: How could you not hear …
A gym coach stands on a track and speaks to a group of girls; the girls sit at his feet in a semicircle. The coach speaks in a dreary monotone while mindlessly twirling a whistle in his hand. Coach: It is almost the weekend because today is Thursday and this weekend we will be going …
A crowded European terrace in which many tourists sit at dinner. Medieval church bells chime and doves flock about the rooftops as the sun sets in pink splendor. A mobile phone rings. Tourist: What? WHAT? YOU FOUND WHAT? MY UNDERWEAR? YOU FOUND MY UNDERWEAR? WHERE? WHERE? WHERE DID YOU FIND IT? Oh, by the outdoor …
Dermot asks Rufus a question: Dermot: Rufus, do you remember the name of the girl who would sit in front of you in Introduction to Postmodern Existentialism? Rufus: Beatrix? Dermot: No, no, no; Beatrix was the goth who sat at the back near the door. Rufus: Candice. I remember a Candice with big—can I say …
Dermot stands near Rufus’ jail cell lost in thought for a moment. Dermot: I can never remember the name of my office assistant! Rufus: Kevin? Dermot: Isn’t it Basil? Rufus: Huh, for sure it is one of those names with vowels and concordances around the vowels. Dermot: Concordance around the vowels? Rufus: Kevin, Basil, Jerry, …
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Two Americans meet in the street of a Portuguese town. 1. How are you today? 2. I’m exhausted. 1. Oh, really, what do you do? 2. I help American expats find houses here in Portugal, but I came here to get away from all that annoying cultural stuff. 1. I’m an American; am I annoying …
Friend: I’ve greatly improved my life; recently, I’ve stopped speaking unless I have something truly wonderful to express. I only say exquisite ideas. Think about it: anyone can say just about anything,and they do! But I take the higher road and limit myself to only expressing the really refined ideas, and this is just one …
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Rufus: Opera singing can’t be that hard. You just have to raise your voice to a great volume, and then wiggle your voice around like this: I AM SINGING PASSIONATELY ABOUT MY LOVE, MY LOVE, MY LOVE, MY LOOOOOOOVE! A shoe flies through the open window and hits Rufus in the head. Rufus, continued: I …
Blog in which the proto-Rufus discusses music Boy: I hate this song. The boy removes his headphones. Boy: The lyrics are a lie; it is not true that “where you spend your love, you spend your life.” Mother: Are you talking to me? Boy: No! No, just continue doing… whatever you are doing. Mother: I’m …
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An apartment. Rufus: Mom? MOM! MOM! A muffled voice answers. Rufus: MMMOOOMMM! His mother enters the room. She wears rubber gloves and carries a plunger. Rufus: Are you cleaning the bathroom again? Mother: Why, yes, I am. What is it? Rufus: Have you ever listened to Bob Dylan? His music is just something else. Mother: …
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Rufus fell off the boat and floated for some time before the ocean current brought him to shore. He crawled out of the water and lay on his back in the sand. After a while, an old man approached Rufus and stuck him with a walking stick. Old man: Are you alive? Rufus: Is this …